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 Post subject: TEXAS JOKES
PostPosted: 06 May 2007 01:00 
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Joined: 20 Mar 2007 12:13
Posts: 85
Quote:
If you know any good Texas jokes, post 'em here!


Rain in Texas

A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"

A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does."

"When?" asked the visitor.

"Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days
and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."

"Well," the rancher puffed up, "we got about half an inch that time."

_________________
"We do not need more intellectual power, we need more moral power.
We do not need more knowledge, we need more character.
We do not need more law, we need more religion."

? President Calvin Coolidge


 
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 Post subject: Re: TEXAS JOKES
PostPosted: 06 May 2007 01:05 
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Joined: 20 Mar 2007 12:13
Posts: 85
You Know You're From Texas If:

1. You measure distance in hours. (like Lubbock is 8 hours from Houston - who knows how many miles it is)

2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.

4. Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies.

5. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

6. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.

7. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.

8. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

9. You carry jumper cables in your car ..for your OWN car.

10. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

11. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

12. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

13. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

14. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports (high school football is of utmost importance).

15. You think that the first day of deer, duck, dove, or quail season are State holidays.

16. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

17. You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."

18. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas.

19. You know whether another Texan is from southern, middle, or northern Texas as soon as they open their mouth.

20. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.

21. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."

22. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

23. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop ... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.

_________________
"We do not need more intellectual power, we need more moral power.
We do not need more knowledge, we need more character.
We do not need more law, we need more religion."

? President Calvin Coolidge


 
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 Post subject: Re: TEXAS JOKES
PostPosted: 06 May 2007 01:28 
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Joined: 20 Mar 2007 12:13
Posts: 85
Texas Phrases

The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving
Translation: Not overly-intelligent.

Tighter than bark on a tree
Translation: Not very generous.

Big hat, no cattle
Translation: All talk and no action.

We've howdied but we ain't shook yet
Translation: We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.

He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow
Translation: He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party
Translation: (self-explanatory).

S/He's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth
Translation: Talks a lot.

It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs
Translation: We really could use a little rain around here

Just because a chicken has wings don't mean it can fly
Translation: Appearances can be deceptive.

This ain't my first rodeo
Translation: I've been around awhile.

They ate supper before they said grace
Translation: Living in sin.

As full of wind as a corn-eating horse
Translation: Rather prone to boasting.

You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits
Translation: You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.

_________________
"We do not need more intellectual power, we need more moral power.
We do not need more knowledge, we need more character.
We do not need more law, we need more religion."

? President Calvin Coolidge


 
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 Post subject: Re: TEXAS JOKES
PostPosted: 06 May 2007 02:12 
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Joined: 24 Mar 2007 14:19
Posts: 7
Location: Nashville, TN
Actual accident excuses used by Texas drivers:

* My truck was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
* I hit a stationary truck that was coming from another direction.
* Coming home, I drove into the wrong yard, and collided with a tree I don't have.
* The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its path when it hit me.
* In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
* The guy was all over he road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
* An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my truck and vanished.
* I had been driving my truck for 40 years when I fell asleep and had an accident.
* The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go--so I ran over him.
* I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

_________________
The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.
-Abraham Lincoln


 
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